The Name I Never Knew
An update on an article that I wrote a year ago that was titled, "It Took Me 50 Years To Learn My Name"
Note: I wrote this column one year ago and the truth of it is still making a deep impact in my life. I have taken the column that I wrote prior and have added my present tense comments in italics as I reflect on these truths today.
I was 50 years old when I finally learned my name.
I am so glad I did.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I knew my earthly name.
My earthly name is Chad Jeremy McCallum. That is the name that my parents gave me when I was born on August 8, 1972, in New Castle, Indiana. If we happen to see each other at Wal-Mart, that's the name you can call me by.
In my prior article I wrote that the source of my name was the result of a suggestion made by a man named Tony Mack. Since writing that article, I have learned that my understanding of the origin story was only partially true.
As now I understand it, Tony and my Uncle Jim were together, and Joy (my mother) was there as well. My mother asked Tony and Jim to brainstorm some CJ names as her baby (that was me) was going to be the 5th generation CJ.
After throwing some wild ideas out, Jim quietly said, “Chad Jeremy”, but quickly added that might not be a good idea since there was a singing duo (Chad & Jeremy) with the same name.
Tony then said, “yeah, Chad Jeremy”! ... and that was that.
Thanks to my Uncle Jim for whispering “Chad Jeremy” on that day, who knows what name I may have ended up if you hadn’t.
But I (and you) carry another name.
This name is a name that was given to each one of us from the time we were formed in our mothers’ wombs.
It was this name that it took me a full 50 years of life to fully grasp.
This is the story of how I came to embrace that name.
Do you remember where you were on June 4, 2023?
I do and I always will.
I was in group therapy at a transformative place called Onsite; in a small town about an hour outside of Nashville, Tennessee.
As I think back now on my time at Onsite I can say with confidence that while I was not happy about the events that led me there, I am so glad that I went there.
On that particular morning, I prayed, “God I need to know that you see me in this place.” I longed to know that God saw me and that I was on his radar. I desired to be reminded that I was not alone in my struggle or alone in working through those struggles.
In the past year I have had many people share with me that the desire that I had to know that I was “on God’s radar” was not isolated to me. So many carry a similar longing.
On that June 4 day, James, a night staff member at Onsite with long hair and a hippie demeanor, let us know about an optional post-dinner walk for those who were interested. I was curious and joined the walk after dinner.
It was a scorching day with thick, humid air. The gusty breeze provided little relief from the heat. The lush green grass in the field was a striking contrast to the clear blue sky above.
We walked for a short while through the woods until we reached a spacious open field.
Since that day a friend that I met while at Onsite sent me some pictures of the trail.
There in the field, were scattered rocks and James encouraged each of us to find one and sit quietly to reflect and pray.
So there I was, on the early evening of June 4, 2023, sitting on a rock in the middle of no-where-ville in rural Tennessee.
There I sat.
There I prayed.
As sat on that rock and prayed I began to feel a wave of emotion wash over me. Tears began to form and I began to weep. As I wept, I began to quietly whisper the chorus of a worship song that I had heard weeks prior.
Here is where I lay it down / Every burden, every crown
This is my surrender / This is my surrender
Here is where I lay it down / Every lie and every doubt
This is my surrender / This is my surrender
As I repeated those words, I felt something within me begin to untangle. God was cleansing me. Purifying me. He was making me new.
The combination of sweat and tears dripped down my face and onto the plastic name tag hanging from my lanyard. The moisture was so intense that as I looked down I saw that my name had completely washed off of the nametag.
At that moment, I became frustrated and even more emotional. I remember praying to God and expressing my confusion. I didn't know who I was anymore, and now even my name had been taken away. As I sat on that rock in the middle of a field in rural Tennessee, I couldn't help but feel like God was playing some sort of strange joke on me. It seemed as if I had laid everything down, only for Him to remove my name from my name tag just for the sake of some sort of cosmic humor.
In hindsight I think that what felt like cosmic humor on God’s part was a place that I needed to reach in order for God to do a deeper work in me.
After some time, we left that place but what happened there in that grassy field on that rock left a lasting mark on me. Something deeply spiritual happened on that rock but I went to bed that night feeling frustrated, longing for reassurance that God saw and was with me, and seeking a better understanding of my own identity. That night I went to bed seemingly without a name.
I recall my roommate on that night asking me if everything was ok and remarking that I was pretty quiet. As I recall I didn’t say much to him or anyone that night.
The next day, I shared with the small group that I was part of at the program about what happened on the rock and how frustrated I was. I told them how I felt disillusioned because I felt that I had laid everything down, only to have my name removed. I was confused, a little angry, and felt a deep loss of identity.
That little group was so life giving to me.
I am forever grateful to Jessica, Scott, Pete, Rachel and Mike.
A year ago I wrote that in that moment I was “a little angry.” Since then I have come to grips with the fact that I was “a lot angry” and that anger when rightly directed can be calmed by our heavenly father.
It was then that our counselor, whom we all fondly referred to as “Uncle Jim,” asked me what name my heavenly father would put on my name tag. I remember he spoke with a southern accent and asked something to the effect of, "Now, I know what your mommy and daddy named you, but what did your heavenly father name you?"
Just as quick as he asked the question I knew the answer.
After 50 years of searching, I finally found the answer I had been looking for.
I turned to him with tears in my eyes and said, “He calls me, Beloved.”
As soon as those words left my mouth, I felt a shift within me. After half a century, I finally recognized and fully embraced the name that my heavenly father gave me. My earthly father calls me Chad. my heavenly father calls me Beloved.
Even now, I echo the words of C.S. Lewis, "…and this is the marvel of marvels, that He called me Beloved."
What happened next was a bit of a blur. The emotions I felt were deep and real. I recall that at one point “Uncle Jim” tossed me a marker and encouraged me to write my new name on my name tag. From that moment on, I wore that name for the entire week and will continue to do so in the future (though I do not wear the nametag in public). The name I wrote down was "Beloved."
As I reflect on this picture and the moment it captures, something stands out to me beyond the word "Beloved." After the word, there is a small dot - a period - that interestingly I don't remember intentionally adding. But thinking about it now, the period speaks volumes to me.
You see, in the heart of God, my name was never and has never been in question. It was settled from day one, and the period speaks to me that it was never out of His mind. It was never necessary to suggest or recommend any other names. The period represents certainty and reassurance that I was always loved and chosen.
This past year I have studied a lot on the Hebrew word, hesed. Which is the kind of love that God has for us. I will write more in future posts, but it is so powerful.
Throughout my almost three decades of working in some form of church work, I have shared with numerous individuals that they have never lived a day without the love of the Father pursuing them. Although I deeply believed this for them, I found it difficult to believe for myself. This is why my new name holds such significant meaning for me. It may have taken me some time (I am a slow learner), but I am beginning to understand how to wholeheartedly receive and walk in God's love in my life. Before I grasped the concept intellectually and it was challenging for me to personally put it into practice. However, I am now beginning to comprehend and embrace it fully.
A few weeks ago I came across a quote on social media from Louie Giglio. That has become increasingly true for me.
I am a beloved child of God and get this…you are too.
My greatest need (and yours) is to deeply know the love of the Father. (John 13:34-35)
The invitation that Jesus gave to his disciples before he died, is the same invitation that He offers all of us, “Abide (make your home) in My love” (John 15:9)
John Ortberg in his book Love Beyond Reason reminds us all, “There is such a love, a love that creates value in what is loved. There is a love that turns rag dolls into priceless treasures. There is a love that fastens itself onto ragged little creatures, for reasons that no one could ever quite figure out, and makes them precious and valued beyond calculation. This is a love beyond reason. This is the love of God. This is the love with which God loves you and me.”
This is the love that my heavenly father has for me…and for you as well.
Over the past year God has done a deep work in my heart and life. I am grateful for it, though I will admit that it has been deeply painful at points. I realize now that who I am in Christ and who I am becoming as a follower of His is more important than any vocation that I hold.